By Joshua Blake

It’s funny how people talk about new year’s resolutions. We post pictures online, type status updates, or vlog about how we’re gonna make this coming year a better one. 

Is that because we know we’re capable of better, or is it because we want to appear capable?

I Need Some Nuance…

SmokeBy Joshua Blake:

Dear oh not-so-constant-reader, I hope you’ve had a great year and that you’ll be able to make this one “better,” for lack of a better term. Everyone loves to speak of their New Year resolution, and if you’re wondering about mine, it’s simple: I need some fucking nuance.

There’s a distinct enough difference between cutting your ties with something and burning your bridges with another – the latter being permanent – for the most part. And that’s always been my problem: I keep cutting and not burning.

While at a New Year’s party last night, my friend Michael’s brother, Brendan, asked me how I was doing. “Good,” I replied. “I just had my infusion on Saturday – I almost forgot about it,” I added. He then asked about school. “You’re going back this semester?”

I then told him how I’m going back in the fall – or at least I think I should. That’s what I said a year ago. It’s weird going to a social gathering to be asked about what you’re up to, and you’ve nothing to garner.

Truth be told, I’m ashamed of the fact that I’m not in school – not doing what I’m “supposed to be doing.” Every time I meet someone new when I am out, or go to a party somewhere with my family, people always ask “What do you do?” I tell them I’m a writer, but that’s not what I want to say. What I want to say is “Nothing. I don’t do a god damn thing. “How’s school?” “No school,” I respond, to which I receive a confused silence.

And to be honest, it confuses me all the same. Do I follow up to that? Do I say I’m not in school because of depression and anxiety, or do I let it be and say that I write music and play out with my grandmother – just to take the tension off of my mind? Am I insane? No, but I’m dealing with an attack of acknowledgement – albeit an inability to acknowledge my unstable mind and how to grow as opposed to dwindle.

So, where does this take us at this point in time? Well, a slight look back on this not so recent memory may help you understand my current struggle, but that doesn’t do me justice anymore. That was a time when I had external obstacles to overcome. Things are different now – but the main issue hasn’t changed. I need to fight my own mind from beating me into my grave.

I Warned You


January, 2014

January 3rd, 5:18 a.m.

A moment of passion and blindness was bestowed upon me only hours ago. What of the repercussions? What of the repercussions?

“To be, or not to be? That is the question.”

Have I sold my soul in this dangerously beautiful act? I have my demons, however, one has left me forever.

If the truth I wish to tell – ‘tis my decision – it’s a horrid truth to speak of memories, evil memories.

Do you wish to know of the memory?

I am prepared for defending my passion. If you see why, I’m not to blame.

January 5th, 1:15 a.m.

A bunch of thoughts are on my mind at the moment – different thoughts – anxious thoughts.

Do they beat the norm? The depressed thoughts….the hopeless thoughts?

I feel okay, and my overthinking clouded my mind earlier. I relieved a tension two days ago – almost two days ago – and I am grateful. Blind passion can be a beautiful thing. Who will become aware? Am I even aware?

I never said thank-you….

January 7th, 3:19 a.m.

Yesterday I wrote down the notes to one of my bands new songs – no title has emerged yet.

We’re going to make our way to Suffolk’s talent show in the Spring – Kevin ran it by us on Sunday, as well as acquiring a drummer and a rhythm guitarist.

I just got finished up reading more of The Heroin Diaries. What a book….

That thought is still lingering in the back of my mind….I’m going to see my doctor on Friday – some time in the morning. I’ll find out my course of action then. For the meantime, what do I say? Do I say anything? Who shall I speak to first?

Is my ability to trust broken? Has it always been? Even if I need to trust my instincts? But in a way, I am – I’m going to the doctor – that isn’t being ignorant….

On the flipside, my action was ignorant. Will my parents guide me? The thought of not telling hurts more than telling the truth. I’m a sucker for honesty, but I’m also a deaf listener.

January 9th, 3:01 a.m.

I have a lot on my plate for the next three days….it all starts tomorrow.

I’m looking forward to Saturday, I’ll be playing music with my grandmother…

I told another friend of my “problem.” I shouldn’t fucking complain….I just have to be happy, accept it, and move on. Although, maybe I am mentally ill….maybe I just think too much….yeah, let’s go with that one…..

January 11th, 2:09 a.m.

I made a new leap in this game known as my life. My parents are here to guide me – as they always have been….

I finally brought up the topic I despise. I understand the complication of the situation, but everyone agrees – myself included – that what I encountered last week was something that I had to do.

I have no remorse or regrets for what I did that night, and for what I said yesterday. My soul has been following a path of blind faith since I was a child. I believe I have beaten my demons for now….

Now I wish to take control of my life for once.

January 26th, 4:14 a.m.

I haven’t written in you for what feels like ages – I am sorry.

Everything is okay for now. I’m awake since I awoke 12 hours ago….

School has started again….What shall I do this semester? I’m trying to love myself – it’s a little weird – I kinda lost my “fuck you” attitude within the last year or so…that “fuck you, I can do it, too,” attitude.

I haven’t challenged myself enough in the last few months. I can’t focus on shit – except for how I feel. I have to learn to control my emotions.

Self-analyzing myself won’t help. Maybe I should see someone.

Is that counter-intuitive? God, I think way too fuckin’ much. Holy shit….

Just let it go….