By Joshua Blake
So, I don’t post here much these days, but I’m still proud that I’ve kept this blog running.
When I first decided to make it, it was for a journalism class I took at my community college back in 2014. Though, I think I always intended this blog to be a place where – if anyone happened to find it – it would help others if they were experiencing some of the doubts and fears I was.
Many of those doubts and fears I’ve expressed over the years on this site, still plague me today – while others have dissipated.
Anxiety and depression still find new ways of tackling even my most happiest or eventful of days, and I’m forced to think of a new way out of the mazes they create in my tormented mind.
So many things have happened over the last year…I’m not really sure where to begin.
My family and I moved to a new house after 13-and-a-half-years, I’ve been engaged since December of last year – I visited my fiancés home country of Norway this summer – and my last year of college starts in four days.
I believe that last point is one of true revelation for me in many aspects: I’m getting older and I’m a step closer towards a supposed career in journalism. I have no idea what this life will bring me – so, I try to remain optimistic.
I try to see the forest for the tress in regards to journalism, but I can’t just yet.
I try to remind myself that I’ll find a way in life – generally speaking. But that’s been difficult for me to grasp since I was a young boy. Maybe it’s related to my worries about having cerebral palsy, maybe it’s just anxiety about things possibly going wrong with no way to fix them – cause anxiety is stupid – or maybe it’s both of those things.
I don’t know, and I doubt you do, either.
But life is kinda weird like that. From a very basic point-of-view, life is to be figured out each day in order to live at all. And even though that sounds nihilistic, I do know that there’s more to life than that – just figuring out stuff in order to keeping living. That’s not very fun.
No. Life is so much more than a nihilist’s wet dream – or nightmare, depending on how you wish to look at it.
Life is also about the people who occupy our spaces, which is probably the most important part about human life: connections.
I guess why I’m rambling about all of this, is because I’ve found it difficult to connect with myself at so many points during my life. This has been the case lately, too.
There may be no greater internal conflict than not understanding what you’re going through and how to “fix it,” when you can’t pinpoint what needs to be fixed in the first place.
I think this is where anxiety is at its best. By forcing you to overanalyze and worry about the most minute of issues, you can’t even think of logical steps to solve your problems.
And for me, this is the case, because I have so many things that I worry about. Which one do I address first? Do I address some and not others? Am I stupid for worrying about this? Gee, I wonder if there’s a way that I could not worry about this!
Geez, I’m exhausted from just typing that out. And that’s me on a good day.
On a bad day, depression stops by and knocks on my door, only to come in and moan about how awful its life is. And then anxiety starts to worry if those awful things will happen to them, too.
If there is another friend in my brain that stops by every now and then, it’d be resolve – always stopping by at the right time, to remind me that I’ll be okay, that I’ll figure it out.
Because we all do. Or, at the very least, because we have to.